Surviving a BFN (Big Fat Negative)
You hear the news and you think there has been a mistake. The blood results have come back negative. You are not pregnant….a big fat negative! After all you’ve been through. You will think there’s been a mistake. There hasn’t.
You may carry on doing exactly what you were doing when you got the news or you may burst into tears. This is normal and you may act differently each time. Even after the news, you may feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster.
This is all normal. If you are man down, that’s okay too. Give yourself a day or two and then pick yourself up. You are in a process, the process will go on, and you will feel better and stronger. You will even get closer to your baby.
Just remember that even though partners, family and colleagues may not act how we want them to, they are hurting for us. They sometimes just don’t know what to say and in our emotional fragility, it could come across as they don’t really care. It feels lonely. All that hope and then left with nothing – a big fat negative! It is heart breaking.
Now is the time to be gentle with yourself. Give yourself some peace and quiet and do things that make YOU happy. Look at pretty things, smell nice smells, long walks, eat your favourite meals, buy yourself some flowers. Just go easy on yourself. Now is the time you want to take for yourself to heal.
Be kind to your partner – they feel helpless. Keep them close, as they are hurting too. Doesn’t always feel like they are or that they understand but it does affect them more than they let and more that we can see so keep them close. They will support you when you start to feel stronger. Not many people know how to handle us when we are in this stage so try not to judge. You want Dad around when you do have your baby.
A great thing to have when you go through IVF is a journal – all your tears, snarls and anger as better expressed in this book than in real life. I found my little dog, Rosi, to be my magic too.
And remember, you are not alone!