You and your husband are fighting. You are feeling so irritable and niggly and you don’t really know why. Suddenly, you realise – BOOM! It’s coming up for fertility treatment time. It could be a month, a week or even a few days away. Even if you know roughly when it’s going to start, how is it that you are still, always caught off guard!
That vulnerable space. You’re heading into that scary zone where you are going to be putting yourself out there again, and where it could potentially fail, again…
You are so angry with your partner, probably over something so trivial that it wouldn’t usually even raise an eyebrow, that you don’t want to look at them. You don’t even want them around you. You may even try and convince yourself that you’re better off alone. Deep down, you know its not true. Even though you’ve realised the underlying reason as to why you are fighting, you don’t care.
You feel stuck. You feel heavy, sad and angry. You are scared. How do you move forward? You don’t want or need to apologise. Neither wants to put their ‘swords’ down or lose face. This is the most important time to be leaning on each other yet, how on earth do you bring it back? You have lost enough in the processes before, you don’t need to lose your relationship as well. You could (and should) be each other’s greatest support. If you want to survive this roller coaster ride, you’ll need to work harder at keeping your partner joined to you. Now is the critical time to be connected!
Take a deep breath and realise that this is where you are now. The past has gone and your history can’t hurt you any more. The fear of the future – if it brings your baby, well then, you’d have wasted a lot of emotional energy over nothing. Tell yourself that there is only so much that you can control. What is going to be, is going to be.
What you do have control over, is working with what you have. Your partner is still with you! They are also frustrated and don’t know how to reach you. You need to create a neutral ground in order to come together. A (safe) space where neither partner gets embarrassed or hurt – where you can both win.
Here are some tips to get through this minefield:
- Bring focus onto here and now. Remind yourself that the past is in the past. The future is unknown, so all you have is right now. Your partner is with you here and now.
- Invite your partner to watch or listen to a YouTube video with you. I found this one worked for us as it didn’t point fingers, but rather talked about what you need to look at within yourself. Link: https://youtu.be/YOIoE0fifQk> We listened to this together, and it was the catalyst in bringing us back. It opened up a space for us to hold hands and talk, and really get down to the route of what was wrong.
- List what you are grateful for – remind yourself how lucky you are. Do this regularly – you will be amazed at how a simple “gratitude list” can lift your mood and change your attitude.
And remember, you are not alone.