I met a friend of mine in Somerset West for a coffee at The Daily. She is a relatively new friend but one that I have really grown extremely fond of. She’s a warm and caring person and one who’s going through infertility too. Even though we are both going through the same thing, we are innately cautious in approaching and navigating a conversation starter on our progress since we last saw each other. We both fight off the eye rim tears that threaten to flow over onto our faces as a tear. We both have makeup on and are in public. We know that if you let that first tear escape, you may be in trouble as the rest may come gushing out. Like me, my friend has been trying for a baby for ages. She already has a beautiful little 6-year-old daughter and so badly wants a sibling for Emma. As we get talking, she gets this ‘ah-ha’ moment’ when she realises that for the last couple of years, she hasn’t always lived in the moment.
I can totally relate as when you are on the fertility conveyor belt, you only lift your head high enough to know when your next treatment or appointment is. She is a fantastic Mom and she not only manages her job but also keeps her daughter and husband happy. She just realised that she had gone through all Emma’s birthdays and birthday parties with this desperate ‘I want another baby’ feeling inside her. When you have this going on, you aren’t necessarily fully in the present and living and feeling the here and now.
How do you consciously zone into the now – I’m sure a famous question answered by Mindfulness but practising it in this environment doesn’t always allow one to aligned to theses teachings. Looking back myself, I also feel that I had emotions always clouding events. If it was a huge family get together, I was hoping and praying that people wouldn’t try and corner me with sympathetic questioning or knowing that I had egg retrieval the day after a friend’s birthday party and trying to be light and fun when I was feeling apprehensive and scared. Trying to concentrate on work deadlines when you were waiting for your blood test results to tell you if the implant had taken or not. Its very hard to be normal and live normally and to be present. Its not that you want to miss the events of your life or the daily life experiences but its not always possible to switch off what’s going on inside your head or in your heart.
Its so important to try though as like my friend says, you don’t want to look back on things and realise you didn’t fully integrate with the special occasions as you were elsewhere in your head. I think we were talking about Emma’s birthday party that had just been or was going to happen and she felt that although she’d organised it and enjoyed doing them, she somehow hadn’t been completely present. Now her girl was 6 years old and she couldn’t turn back the clocks. We always wait for ‘when I get my baby’ but actually, its to be here in the now that gives you grounding that we so desperately need.